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Ending a Relationship During the Holiday Season

Most people who are experiencing a relationship that’s on the rocks try to “weather the storm” during the holiday season, hoping to avoid making a usually joyous season one of trauma, drama, or both. However, there are occasions in which relationships are ended during the holiday season for any number of reasons. Sometimes ending a relationship during the holidays is avoidable, and other times it’s not; it all depends on your specific situation.

In any case, there are usually a couple of questions that come to mind when contemplating a potential breakup over the holidays:

Is there a proper way to end a relationship during the holiday season?
Should you break up with someone during the holiday?

We’ll begin by answering the second question: there’s no right answer, it’s entirely dependent on your circumstances. Do you and your partner have children? Are you cohabitating? Just how toxic is your situation? The answers to these questions can help you determine the “should”and “when” of this holiday conundrum.

Now, let’s move on to the “how” by answering the first question.

The Breakup

If you feel that you must end your relationship during the holiday season and your situation isn’t toxic, then there are a few tips that may help soften the blow of the breakup for your soon-to-be ex.

Don’t break up through a phone call, text, email, social media, etc.
Give your soon-to-be ex a heads up that the state of the relationship is the topic you want to address.
Prepare your talking points and encourage them to do the same.
Don’t give your soon-to-be ex hope that there’s something they can do to make the relationship work if you know there’s nothing they could possibly do.
Avoid breaking up the week of the actual holiday if at all possible.
It’s disingenuous to use the line, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Don’t say it. Instead, be honest.
Don’t use the breakup as an opportunity to blame them for it. Hopefully, you’ve been communicating all of your concerns throughout the course of the relationship and you have given your soon-to-be ex plenty of time to turn things around.
Don’t immediately continue hanging out with their family members or mutual friends if it’s going to be that much harder on the person you’re breaking up with. Depending on how your conversation goes, this may be something you’ll want to bring up in your talking points.
Give them closure and consider allowing your ex to call or message you a few more times after the breakup. Do not end things abruptly unless you are in a very toxic situation and it would be the safest thing for you to do.

Things to Remember

No matter how much you dislike the person or their response to the breakup, do your best to end things on a positive note. If they have some choice words for you, allow them to express themselves and get their frustration out. Remember, they’re only human and deserve compassion, too. Besides, you’re breaking up with them over the holidays, leaving them with no control over the state of the relationship. You hold the power.

Please visit mosespowe.com for additional resources.

One Less at the Table: Experiencing the Holidays After a Loss

Photo by burningparrot

The holiday season is an excellent time to come together with friends and family and celebrate many things, from what we’re most thankful for, to the coming of the New Year. For those who have just experienced loss—the death of a loved one—the holiday season can be difficult. What was once a season of joy can become a painful reminder of that loss and turns the holiday season into a very different experience than the jolly time experienced by others.

If you’ve experienced a loss, this article aims to shed some light on the grief you’re experiencing and to help you navigate its many stages. So, what exactly is grief?

Grief and Its Stages

Grief is the pain and emotional turmoil that follows loss. When accompanying the loss of a loved one, it may be followed by feelings of guilt or of confusion, particularly when the relationship with your loved one was complicated or difficult.

Many people are aware of the “five stages of grief” postulated by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and apply them to the process experienced by those of us who are going through grief:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

What most people aren’t aware of, however, is that grief is not as simple as popular belief would tell you.

When experiencing grief, some people may go through all five stages in the exact order in which they’re listed, while others may go “out of order,” and others still may only experience one of these stages or even a stage that isn’t listed as part of the five. The five stages of grief are an excellent guide to navigating through grief, but they are not universally applicable to everyone.

The fourth stage of grief, depression, is often confused or conflated with grief. When people feel depressed, especially after a loss, they sometimes don’t realize that what they’re actually experiencing is only a stage in the grieving process and thus are unable to navigate the process as effectively. Nonclinical depression is a natural part of the grieving process experienced by many, and usually comes to a resolution over time.

If you find that your feelings of depression become persistent and pervasive, then it’s possible that you may be experiencing clinical depression (major depressive disorder). In the event that this occurs, it may be necessary to seek out a qualified mental health professional that can assess you for MDD.

Overcoming Grief

How can we tell when we’re overcoming grief? While there are many ways to tell if you are improving, here are just a few signs:

· You can reflect on both pleasant and unpleasant memories of your loved one.

· Sensitivity to comments decreases and reminders of your loss are less painful.

· Feelings of guilt decrease and feelings of acceptance increase.

· It’s easier to experience feelings of gratitude.

Conclusion

The point is this: grief is complicated and different for everyone. There is no timeline for getting better and it’s perfectly natural if you experience grief during the holidays. Remember that in time, these feelings will improve.

Please visit mosespowe.com for additional resources.

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